My life, my life, my life....

*Sigh*

I am now entering my fifth year of college, and I honestly still feel lost. I do not really have a clear idea of what I want to "be'. When I was younger I wanted to be a writer. I LOOOVED to write. I would come up with the best children stories. I wanted to be a writer all the way up until I got into high school and learned all of the things that writers did to be a "good writer". Writing a good novel involved more than just a good read. It required a long thought process and a message behind the story. You had to establish motifs, symbols, antagonists, protagonists, and all of that jazz. That def did not seem fun. And on top of that I suck at spelling and at using big words! Nothing that reading the dictionary every once in a while wouldn't solve, but it is def not something I want to do with my life (at the time). So there went my dreams of being a writer.

I am a creative being by nature. Creativity flows from my veins. I come from a wonderful creative force, my mother. My siblings share this creative gene as well. And I know that whatever I do in life it will have to feed this creative side of myself or else I will get bored VERY quickly. That is why one of my other dreams was to become a fashion designer. I have been interested in fashion ever since I was in the 5th grade when I took a sewing class. Boy! That class was the best class I have ever taken in elementary school! It fed my creative soul. I don't know why I didn't continue learning about making clothing, because I have always been interested in it...I guess that LAZY side of myself always gets the best of me :(

Did I mention I have ALWAYS wanted my own radio show? Since I was FOUR (yes FOUR) I have wanted to have my own radio show. I use to take old audio tapes, think I was doing a little something something by putting the masking tape over that hole, and record over old tapes my mother let me have for my delight. I would get my microphone that you would use with the radio by turning the radio to a low frequency station, and start recording myself on tape, creating my own radio show. That is def one of my all time dreams....

But with all these dreams comes lots of DOUBT. With writing, what if I don't make it? Everybody has a book, what makes you think that somebody wants to read MINE? A fashion designer? You can't even sew a hole up in your dress!

But at the same time I have gotten a lot of support from people saying if I made a design they would love to buy my clothes or I have always received positive feedback from my teachers and professors, telling me I am a great writer (and english is always one of my better classes in school). That fear always gets the best of me though. And fear is exactly what my pastor spoke on yesterday in church. He spoke on how fear made Mr. Saunders who is today because he use to be scared of the cementary by his house and ran through it everyday and he discovered that he was fast. What am I so scared of? Why can't I just take a risk and do what I really enjoy?

I don't see myself in corporate america. That is not me at all. I need more. I need something that will feed my inner soul, not destroy it. I don't want to kiss butt to get ahead. Never have, never will. I want to be my own boss. I want to have control of my future, not my future have control of me.

Hopefully one day I will get it together...but for right now I am entering my 5th year of finding myself in college....